There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
