Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
