Im at strip club and am horny
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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