but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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