I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
