What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
