not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
