I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
