In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
