it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
