I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
