Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
