You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The power of my boobs compel you
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Randomize
