I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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