She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
