just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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