I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
