jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
