how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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