I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
