So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
