dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
