I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
