Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
