my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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