I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
