Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
