I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Dick very happy bro
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
