he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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