I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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