Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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