Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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