made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
