I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
