he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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