I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
