all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
