Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
