u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
