Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
