The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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