I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
