I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
