Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
