Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
