He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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