i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
