I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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