Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Randomize
