Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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