I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
